Great Love Can Change Our Hearts

By Evan Sanders


My mind is dripping with paint. Colors casted all over the endless canvas of my mind. Mixing. Swirling. Blasted with colour. How rare for a mind that was stripped of true colour not so long ago...one that was weighed down by the blackest of blacks and the gap between those dark shades and white. There was only that. Nothing apart from that. There are beautiful and complex portraits of memories that unfold like streamers in my mind. I used to curse these unending reels of tape falling from the ceilings. They'd play time after time in my mind again. Moments. Memories. Feelings. Laughter. My mind felt weighed down by their presence. I truly attempted to manipulate the uncontrollable, to only understand that once a flutter of wind came by they'd unravel time and again.

This was the tale about a man great suffering. Regret. Hurt. Fear.

A destructive force within himself controlled by the sour composition of life's best devils and tests. A person who feared the genuine, the true, and to stand up for what truly beckoned deep within his heart and drove his ambitions. A man destroyed by a force burning him to death from a pitiless cold that froze even glimmers of any warmth within his heart. I was the kind of man who gripped on too tight to what existed, strangling whatever was to the point of lack of breath. My grip was severe, turning things to dust, allowing them to sift through my fingers. My hands callused from building walls and thwarting off barbarians of love.

I was the kind of man whose heavy hands were beaten to a pulp by his efforts to grasp onto things that wanted to change, only to unfortunately find that there's an incapability to manipulate what must shift. The pain that was created from watching the inevitable changing of things only brought more fear, more darkness, more pain.

I was that sort of man, once...upon a time.

One day I decided to let go. Of everything. All that I feared, all that I adored. Everything in that moment, became much lighter. I started to deeply believe that all would arrive in time, that love would find its way, lessons would show up at my stoop and I could really take some time to live.

I let the streamers, oh those attractive tapestries of my mind unfold as they wished, bobbing around the expansive room of my thoughts with true freedom and grace. I took the time to walk amongst their colors, appreciating their intricacies and depth. In turn, I granted myself the chance for using what was divine deep within my soul. I started to talk to the heavens and rather than living in steady pain, I just lived, giving up existing for something far grander.

But through it all, I became the kind of man that may be dripping with full colours and could watch everything go. I could hold other people with open palms so they were free to fly. I could grin at things that once caused me agony. My hands, notwithstanding their strength, became gentle. I became softer. My words became deeper. My feelings became stronger. And with all that, the true intensity of the looks I gave others became engulfed with enthusiasm. I stopped looking at other people and looked far into them.

I once was the sort of man who suffered continually.

Now, I have become the type of man who suffers, and with that, loves intensely.

I am moving on with a full heart.




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